maybe i'm intractable,

3:21AM

im still alive.

2:49AM

i spent both my birthdates doing homework.
whoooo for finals week.

3:52PM - i know i'm a mess you don't wanna clean up

I went crazy again today,
looking for a strand to climb, looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
and a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, 'Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void,'
He said 'It's all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything'
But he didn't get it
I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love.

10:42PM

i had such a High Fidelity moment today. the end.

2:54AM - sooo how i feel right now.

Current mood: cynical

11:43PM - Phoenix from the Flames

this was so fuckign moving.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
First Epistle: Phoenix From the Flames

By Sadie and Exile (prosecuted by the state as Joyanna Zacher and Nathan
Block)

Now that we have been sentenced we have the opportunity to ease our
reticence
concerning our situation and would like to candidly address a few points.

Firstly, we would like to offer our sincere and heartfelt gratitude to
everyone who has offered support and solidarity with us since we were
kidnapped by the state and held prisoner for these past sixteen
months. To each and every individual who has offered material support
through monetary, postal or other means, and also to those who through
their voice or in their hearts have stood in alignment with us, and in
opposition to cooperation with or apology to the state--we would
extend a most honest thanks. Your flame burns bright.

It has been extremely heartening to know that there are those who
stand with us when it seems that so many whose strength we once
considered unassailable have had their roots dislodged and their honor
torn asunder. Those who hear the call of Direct Action should not
fear the prospect of imprisonment if those, or those similar to, who
have supported us continue to act in such a responsible and dignified
manner in support and solidarity with those of us who have attracted
the wrath of the state. Again, a great thanks to all who have
assisted us and continue to do so.

That said, it has come to our attention that perhaps through naivete
and perhaps through the deliberate spreading of misinformation, there
has been some confusion over who amongst the indictees is worthy of
prisoner support; meaning to us: who has NOT made statements
implicating others, as the purpose of such statements is the further
prosecution and imprisonment of others. Let us make this clear: all
those amongst the indictees who have been apprehended, other than Ms.
Waters, Mr. McGowan, Mr. Paul, obviously the authors of this piece;
the so-called Ms. Zacher and Mr. Block, and sadly Mr. Rodgers, have
dishonored themselves, their families and the very lineage of struggle
which they themselves were once an integral part of, by becoming
vicious traitors and handmaids of the state. To actively support
these indictees who have been apprehended but not aforementioned is to
support not only our incarceration but to wish that same fate upon
many others currently living as fugitives or being sought similarly.
If there are those amongst you reading this who feel the need to make
excuses for those responsible for our imprisonment, we would ask you
to refrain from offering a Janus-faced 'support' to us also, as it is
completely antithetical to the reasons for our captivity.

Those who have signed their cowardly allegiance to the state and
through the state to those powers that seek to prostitute and
obliterate the natural world, as well as strip-mine our souls,
clearcut our minds and pollute our very being, are not only directly
responsible for our imprisonment, having given the state our physical
description, names and legal names, along with statements on our
involvement in Direct Action, both witnessed and in conjecture.

No, they hold not only that burden of responsibility. Some of them
hold responsibility, and the others a deep dishonor, for the death of
a dear friend and one of the most gentle and pure-hearted beings ever
to be found, namely Avalon (or Bill Rodgers).

Most importantly, those who now work in collaboration (under the
innocuous term 'cooperation') with the same powers which they once
felt compelled to raise themselves in opposition to, have in their
wicked apostasy, desecrated the sacred covenant that exists between
nature and those who align themselves with the very Element of Fire
and the very Essence of Destruction in the defense of the Wild.

Perhaps these vile turncoats deserve compassion, in the same way that
all creatures deserve compassion, and indeed they once deserved
acclaim for their physical deeds, but now they deserve neither praise
nor forgiveness, for in the hour when the struggle returned for them,
when the predator had once again become the prey, they failed in
spirit and resolve cowardly breaking long held oaths and begging for
mercy from their captors, hoping to gain leniency by offering as a
sacrifice to the alter of a perverted 'justice' their former friends,
trusted colleagues and any dignity they once held.

Let the spirits of imprisonment, treason and weak delusion haunt the
atrophied vision of those who would turn their backs to the flame of
Green Fire that burns in all our beings; and let those of us who heed
the calls so often ignored stand upright, with clear vision, whether
illuminated by the great Sun or by a more obscure Light, which rides
with the night terror with all creatures of the hidden hours: the
clawed, the winged, the hoofed, and also with those beings referred to
by the euphemisms of 'the ancestors', 'the fair folk', or indeed, the
'elves'.

air trees water animals

8:52AM

classes start today!

4:34PM

i'm sad.
and on top of that, i just ran out of pants/ skirts to wear. so thats why im sitting in my room in my underwear knowing not wat to do.
:(

Current mood: sad

8:44PM

cold feet like woah.

3:10AM - new york city, center of the universe. times are shitty, but it couldnt get any worse

on a second note if im going away to school, in the middle of nowhere illinois. i should probabaly stop hating hispter cause i mgith be surrounded by a few of them. but it couldnt be as bad as new york.

7:14PM - camping-wrap up

back from camping. it was arlight although i much rather have been in NY hanging out with my friends and shit.
i leave in 5 days and i havent said bye to everyone and i told Jess today about my moving and blah i felt sad.
good thing about thetrip is that i went canoeing and smoked a lot of bud, drank lots a booze, and got to spend time with trees which is rare haha.
bad shit is that not keeping myself busy gave me way too much time to miss Jordan a lot and wishing he was there, and I don't want to be all heart-ache-y forver :(


oh yeah juan lost is wedidng band and he snappned at me "i bet this made yr day vicky!"

and i was like no...becuase losing yr wedding band doesnt change the fact that yr a pussywhipped douche k thanks..


so yeah. i think he wants to be all close and shit with me but he's going sabout it the wrong way.
and the fact that every time i get quiet he thinks im sad or something just proves how far apart we have grown over the past few year and how much he really doens tknow me at all.
anyone he hangs around mildly with me knows that i stare off into space alot and always have my head in the clouds. duh!
and yeah. i mean, it's whatever.you cant just pop into my life and be like:

"hey i know that like i promised i would always be there for you, and shit. and like a bunch of other promises like keeping secrets, and not letting anyone/thing come between us etc. and it was kinda shitty to totally run away from your life when you hit felt like 'killing yrslef' bad and really needed me,. but you know,i couldn't handle it, so whats a guy to do? anywho, i was just wondering, can I be in your life again?"

no asshole.

and the thing is i am so angry at him, like there's no tommorow. i dont think i have ever been so furious at someone for such a long time, this much. no that's not true. i hated my ex boyfriend for being abusive. but i guess i dealt with that quicklyu and told him to fuck off. while as i havent told Juan off. and thats something i seriosuley think i need to to do. let him know what my issues with him are. but he never apologizes for shit so it wouldnt make a difference. and i think he knows how much resentmnet i have towards him. and thats why he wont even begin to ask.

Current mood: relaxed

Current music: 5th hour hero-cut me dead

12:26AM

so fucking sick of drama

Current mood: aggravated

Current music: bikini kill-outta me

5:50PM - British school boy, oh my!

okay so htis is old news for everyone else in the plaent but i recently became aware that Daniel Radcliffe AKA Harry Potter is doin a nudie play in jolly old england. so at firs ti looked up pics out of curiosty and then I saw him topless and OH MY GOD!HE'S HOT! so furthermore I then had to take a good look at his wang to indulge in it even more.
and mhmmmm.....
i feel like a dirty old woman.
but he can use that magic wand on me any time....
( Nudesus Erectus!! )

Current mood: artistic

Current music: r kelly-im a flirt

1:50PM - titty deflation

i lost 8 pounds since like june.
and now my boobies are shrinking.
before i was a 40D if even that. Now i'm fititng into a 38C.
sweet.
the funny thing is that i think a huge part of it is cause i'm not drinking as much cause my plot to be vegan hasn't quite been working out.dairy dairy dairy!!
but the awesome lfie changing thing is that Vanessa showed me SOyKaas which is vegan cheese THAT MELTS. thus making a lot of thing smuch more feesible.

i'm baking a million cupcakes sunday night

6:26PM - I started riot grrrl.

1:12PM

So today as I was feeding my cat it struck me that I'm not gonna see my baby girl for a long time once I move. I got really sad, and she made it worst by noticing how sad I was and cuddling against me.
she's so cute.
and I'm worried how much attention she's gonna get when I'm gone. and i'm worried my aunt will be mean to her.
I love my little angel, she completes me. I think she knows somethign is wrong cause today she was jsut staring at me with concern.
i hope she doesnt get too sad out of it.

11:30PM - corte de cabello

BEFORE:



AFTER:





I gotta go buy make up, cause I havent worn any in like 3 months. hence the blahness fo all my photos.

i out in my two weeks notice today. sweet...

Current mood: cheerful

Current music: garbage-silence is golden

7:45PM

i hate having work tommorow. at leas ti get a check with it.
which is good cause right now im almsot utterly chasless.
it sucks im gonna miss the event i fucking planned cause of my stupuid job. maybe i could tlak to them about leaving ealry-ish? no such luck. im afraid of getting fired. if i knew knox had accepted me for school getting fried wouldn't seem so hahaha

Current mood: apathetic

11:38PM - Scared, cause I'm actually happy.

Build a wall of books between us in our bed
repeat, repeat the words i know we both said
relax into the need we get so confortable
remember when i was so strange and likeable

i just want back in your head
i just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared
When I get a little

When I jerk away from holding hands with you
I know these habits hurt important parts of you
remember when how sweet and unexplainable
nothing like this person unloveable


i just want back in your head
i just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared
When I get a little
Run, run, run
Run
Run, run, run
Run
i just want back in your head
i just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray
I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray
I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray

Current mood: quixotic

Current music: tegan and sara-back in yuor head

2:11PM - Hey Oregonians

Friends,

Jonathan Paul's sentencing will be tomorrow, August 1st, at 9:00 a.m. at the
(somewhat new) federal courthouse in Eugene. Jonathan is one of Daniel's
co-defendants and he's truly an amazing person. Please go and show your support if
you can.

The Eugene federal courthouse is located at 405 East 8th Ave, Eugene, OR 97401

Thanks,
Family & Friends of Daniel McGowan

please keep him in your thoughts

Current mood: uncomfortable

Current music: nomads revolt-mischief brew